littlelisita

This quote speaks volumes to me.  I had a partner that asked me to change everything about myself.  He even asked me to quit my career … . the career that I went to college for .… . all just so I could be where he could watch me more closely … in the little town that we lived in there were no t.v. stations or radio stations. (that is what I have a degree in-btw)

In retrospect, my marriage was one of the most unhappiest times of my life.  I can see that now … . now that I am learning how to be happy with who I am.  I was never good enough, or religious enough, or domesticated enough, or outdoorsy enough . . you name it … . it was never enough.  I don’t regret my marriage.  My marriage taught me the importance of being yourself and it showed me that it is important to be with someone that loves you for you, not for what they think you should be.  I regret that it took me so long to learn this valuable lesson, but life decisions are never easy.  I have been judged and admonished, but in the end … I am stronger and I am happier.  I hope my boys don’t resent me and I hope they learn the importance of being happy and confident in the person that you are.  My mom always told me, “If you can’t enjoy your own company, then who’s company can you enjoy.”  I couldn’t agree with her more and I finally understand what she meant by that.   

I have come to realize what really is bothering me.  I am so very careful not to introduce anyone new in my kids lives and if I do a play date, I am careful to not make my kids uncomfortable.  I am seeing someone currently.  We both have kids and we both have been very careful not to acknowledge our relationship to the kids … .not yet.  It just doesn’t make sense to take that step yet.  I know, speaking for my kids, they have been through so much.  I just want them to be happy and not worry about mom or if mom is trying to replace their dad.  My ex has not been so careful.  He even stayed the night with someone with  my son with him.  Of course, he wanted to know if daddy was trying to replace his mommy and I explained that that was not the case.  I explained.  It should have been him to explain what was going on but of course, he has never extended that type of courtesy to anyone. 

I had a complete and utter break down last night and explained all of this to my boyfriend.  Yes, boyfriend … .that feels weird to say.  He is perfect and he made me feel better.  He told me that he thought I was a great mom and one of the things he loves about me is the way I care about my kids.  He then said, eventually, we are going to have to make it known with our kids … scary!!!  But, he’s right. 

I just don’t get it.  Why it worries me and not the father of my kids. 

I will say this … . I am happier.  Getting a divorce was the best thing I could have done.  My sadness and depression cam from that feeling of belonging.  All of a sudden, I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.  I have been “Keith and Lisa” for so long … . (since the 6th grade) that I think I literally had an identity crisis.  But, I am on this new adventure of discovering who I am … not who “Keith and Lisa” are and it feels good.  I don’t have to apologize for being me … not anymore.  The guy I am dating likes me for me and I can’t even begin to explain how awesome that feels.    

I just don’t understand people.  I work in news and every day I am appalled at the heinous things that people are capable of.  A child is so helpless.  What could a 3 month old possible do to deserve to be beaten?  What could a 6 month old do to actually look sexual?  What could a mentally handicapped child do to deserve to be locked up and starved?  These kids don’t understand!  They don’t know what’s happening and they are so defenseless.  It breaks my heart every day.  I worry sometimes that news is desensitizing me to the terrible things that people do, but then there will be that one story … . the one that tugs at your heart and you think to yourself, “People suck!” 

I was directing the other day and it was literally: murder, murder, murder, abuse, murder.  I turned around and looked at the producer and said I am going to slit my wrists after this newscast. 

The worst is when you get a story that sticks with you.  I could be out and about doing my thing but then I’ll stop and think about something that we reported and feel sadness for someone’s baby out there.  When a reporter actually breaks down on the air and can’t gain their composure … you know it is far worse than what we have told the public.  There are many things that are withheld from the public because it is too graphic or too disturbing, so we will just brush on the horrific parts of the crime but not the demented parts.   

http://geminigirl07.wordpress.com/2007/12/07/rowan-ford-raped-murderedby-stepfather-friend2/

This blog that I have linked you to is one of those very stories … .  when reporting it we had a reporter not once, but twice lose her composure on air.   It was very touching and I think it is a testament to how close a reporter has to get to their story.  They talk to the families, the grieving parent, the police and they learn about the victim on an intimate level after death. I don’t envy them or their job.  I see the snipits that we air on the news … . I don’t have to get in there intimately and get to know the families like they do.  So, I just wanted to say thank you to those reporters that genuinely care about the people that they come across in their jobs every day.

Hmmm. I was just sitting in the drive through at taco bell grabbing some lunch and when I pulled up to the window the cashier said, “your lunch has been paid for by the guy in front of you.” Wow!! How nice!!