Our KSPR Senior Director sent this to me saying . . “this made me think of you” hahaha! It explains me perfectly and for the record … for every Christmas light lit before Thanksgiving an elf kills a baby reindeer.
I have been non-existent lately! Since the time I wrote about me having to get my sister out of her home because she was strung out on narcotics … she has had two relapses … while doing rehab. They have stepped up her rehab/meetings and now forcing her to do a drug test every week. It has been stress and somehow she always ends up back with me. Somehow, I have become her safe haven. I don’t condone it and she doesn’t do drugs in my home but she knows that she can detox and not be yelled at when she is with me.
I wish I could help her . . . I just don’t know how. I feel so helpless. I haven’t been writing in my journal or blogging . . usually I do one or the other.
Okay, I want to talk about something else. I have a crush on someone at work. I am so dumb when it comes to this sort of thing. I just don’t know how to flirt or how to catch onto flirting. I never dated … I got pregnant at 16 and then I was married. I was dropping subtle hints but have since realized that that is not going to work. Every time I am around him I feel like a silly 12 year old girl with a boy crush. God! I don’t remember it being this hard and I don’t remember feeling like this. I like this feeling but there is something to be said about knowing what you got … . of course, I had an asshole … . but I knew what I was getting every time I went home dammit!! lol!! Yeah, that was a little sad wasn’t it? Anyway, wish me luck!! I am going to develop courage and I am going to ask him out … .well, I kind of did but it was too subtle. GRRRR Boys, don’t take subtle suggestions very well do they?
I’ll be working today but I am very thankful for my job and the people I work with. My family will be celebrating tomorrow. Right now…. I’m watching one of my favorite movies before I go to work….. French Kiss. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Good grief I’ve been busy! Last week I worked 62 hours! Getting ready for our first basketball game of the season. I got to go to Virginia and I got to see the Ocean for the first time. I know, I know … I’m 37 and just now getting to see the ocean. It is a little sad but I can say that I have now. So yay me!! Sometimes life just gets in the way and here lately I think rather than making a life … I have been making a living. There is a difference and I need to start making a life! I think my ex-husband was right. I am a work-a-holic and in the end what do I have to show for it? A divorce, joint custody of my kids …so I only see them half the time now, and right now …no relationships to speak of but I have a pretty great girlfriend. She is always there for me. We have been friends since college and I am very thankful for her in my life. She makes me stop and smell the roses …or rather, stop and have a drink and just enjoy life. As soon as I got to town last night she is who I wanted to see. So . .. .this is me, making a life and not taking people for granted anymore. Next . … . . dating!! (God help me)
Sometimes, Memories are a bitch … plain and simple. I haven’t had a dream about my ex-husband in 2 years. It rained the other night, and it triggered dreams, strange sexual dreams. I was woke up at 3am by thunder and a memory just flooded my brain. It was a memory from high school. I would sneak out of my house to see my boyfriend then/ex-husband now, late at night. I snuck into his room … I was wearing my red track sweats. He was sleeping on the couch. I lightly touched his face with my hand and he woke up with a smile. The memory is so clear, we made love for the second time ever, that night. I fell asleep in his arms and woke up to thunder; Woke with a panic. It was 3am and I was not back in my bed. My mom was going to be getting up soon. So I quickly got dressed and bolted out of the basement door. (His room was in the basement-convenient for sneaking in) I lived 2 miles away. I ran the entire way in the rain. I ran through this long field with tall grass. It was a shortcut. I remember the sting of the wet grass as it slapped my legs … I was soaked to the bone. I got to my house and quietly climbed through the window. Jumped in bed and covered up. I was hot, sweaty, soaked from the rain but I knew my mom was going to be coming through that door to check on me, and she did. I heard the door crack open. It was about 3:45am. I didn’t move a muscle. Around 4:15am when I knew for sure she was in the shower. I got up and changed out of my wet clothes. What a rush! It was worth it, at the time. I don’t regret that night but I do regret everything that followed. Sadly, if I could go back I would change all of it. They say hindsight is 20/20. The majority of divorced people that I know say they wouldn’t change a thing … but I work with someone who shares my feelings on this matter. I hate being tied to him … I will always be tied to him because we have kids. It may seem petty or bitter but that is just the way it is. Maybe I mask my hurt with this bitterness but I would rather be bitter than to feel the pain I felt in the beginning. Extreme depression, crying at the drop of a dime, isolated. It sucked more than I care to remember. I should be grateful for our time and for the beautiful boys that I have as a result of that failed marriage and I am. I love my boys more than anything, but the price is painful. It is a constant reminder of something that I failed at. I know it takes two but it still feels like my failure.
I’m sure I need therapy or something. I probably need to come to grips with my anger. I don’t want to. I don’t want to say, “Yeah, I’m okay with what you did.” I don’t want to say, “I forgive you.” That will not be in my vocabulary when it comes to my ex-husband. I am capable of forgiveness. My dad was an alcoholic all my childhood and he beat my mom all the time. He would sometimes hit me and my sister. It wasn’t the healthiest of environments but I somehow found it in my heart to forgive him. Now he is dependent on me. There is not guilt or shame amongst us. It was a different time and he was a different person. I don’t bring up the past or reminisce about the way things were. They are good now.
I actually don’t think I’m angry anymore. I haven’t been for a long time. I have accepted that this is how it is. He thinks we should be friends or something but that just isn’t going to happen. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times, NO THANKS!